Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Week with Danny: Day 5


Danny and I are alike in many ways, one of which being that we are absolutely not morning people.  We like to stay up late into the night and sleep in even later.  This morning I woke at 11AM but stayed in my room until 1PM just relaxing and decompressing.  I didn't hear anything from his room and I didn't want to bother him.  When I finally got up though he was playing video games on the computer so I watched him for some time, just enjoying the happiness on his sweet face.  After a little while we went to lunch at one of my favorite Mexican places and chatted mainly about video games, another one of our very common interests.  Since we didn't have plans until 8PM we chilled back at my place afterwards watching youtube and hanging out until we went over to Micahel's to play basketball with him and his friend Nate.  Danny was on the opposing team but I had to defend against him.  I won ;)

We only had time for one game though before we had to leave to go to Brett's parents house to play a game that we made up over ten years ago that is kind of like hockey but with a soft ball and crawling round hitting it with our hands into the other goal.  We had so much fun and I played goal while Danny played offense which left me with a glorious view of his rump as he crawled around.  Between rounds we played this sadistic game where we sit across the room and lob the balls at each other's nuts.  I always win at that game haha.  He really is so much like me in that he's quiet but everyone likes him and he is always having a great time observing and simply being a part of the party.

Since we were crawling around he had to borrow some pants of mine so as not to tear up his knees.  Thankfully I had an older smaller pair though he needed a belt to hold them up.  When we made it back home he took off the belt, undid the top button and fell down on the bed exhausted.  Then he turned his head to me and whined "Help me".  He looked so darn cute with his pants unbuttoned like that laying there asking for me.  I still didn't want to be too quick to jump at this dream and pretended to act annoyed asking "Really....".  He simply giggled so I accepted his offer and dashed over to him.  I began pulling at the bottom of his jeans and he playfully fought back, angling his feet so it was difficult to succeed but had he really wanted me to stop he easily could have held his pants at the waist.  It was fun and not long enough but eventually I pulled them all the way off.  By this point he had fallen on the ground and was wearing a tshirt I bought for him for his birthday, socks and bright green stripped boxer briefs that clung tightly to his breathtaking form.  I couldn't help but stare at his beauty and soak in the sight he allowed me to reveal before he crawled to his pajama bottoms and slipped them on.  It was such a sudden and thrilling moment, one that I won't soon forget.  Of course that put me in a mindset where I was waiting for more of that the rest of the night.

We ended the night by watching some tv though this time he lied the other direction.  I kept waiting for him to put his feet in my lap but he never did though at the end he sat in a position which exposed a decent sliver of his creamy tummy for me to see.  I make enough comments when he does that for him to know I always notice it.  Not to mention how I usually poke his bare skin.  I'm really glad we're so close though I've really no idea if he's intentionally teasing me or just being goofy and brotherly.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm taking Danny and Ruby to a theme park, just the three of us.  They both sound really excited, Ruby especially.  I can't wait to enjoy a fun day with my two favorite boys!  Can life get any better than this?

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Week with Danny: Day 4

Sometimes we all need a lazy day.  Today was that day...at least for Danny.  My dad arrived at my place at 9:30AM to help me setup my surround sound system.  It's a complex setup with wired going all over the attic and such and he's much more a handyman than myself. Danny boy eventually woke around noon and I took him and Michael and Nate to go get lunch at a local burger place.  It's really fun to hang out with them as if I were back in high school.  And though Danny is a couple years older than them, he's still very much a kid and looks their age so we all get along really well together.

After lunch we drove around buying things that we needed to finish my speaker setup back at home.  We got cords and connectors and even got him some more fans for our computers, since his only has two lousy ones.  It was a long day of setting everything up.  My dad and I worked hard while Danny chilled in the hammock playing games and enjoying his spring break...not that we had anything else for him to do.  Eventually at 5:30PM we finished and my dad left us to ourselves.

Finally alone we decided to play some computer games for a while and then Ruby finally hit me up and wanted to hang out so we left to pick him up.  Right away I knew he wasn't doing great.  He was sniffling and coughing and not walking with his usual floppy boyish charm.  Instead he sort of stiffly shuffled around.  I gave him a hug, holding on and he set his head in the nape of my neck as we held each other for a while.  I told him I'm so thankful he's ok and that I don't know what I'd ever do if something happened to him.  He had a very calm, dazed demeanor like I've never seen on him before which made my heart hurt. So we went to get some dinner while he shared of the terrors of the night previous.

Ruby and his brother had gone driving in the mountains in their car, with their friend driving in his car ahead of them.  Apparently on a sharp turn another vehicle was coming up the other direction but had no lights on at night.  Their friend promptly swerved out of the way to miss the car but Ruben's brother slammed the breaks and hit the corner of their friend's car which launched him through a short brick wall protecting them from the edge of the cliff.  He showed me pictures and they rested at a steep angle, the car barely holding onto rocks by the back tires.  They were near the top of the mountain and if the grip on those back tired failed they would have tumbled over a thousand feet down the side.  Thankfully they climbed out and rode in their friend's car to the nearest gas station for help and met a guy who said only a couple weeks prior two of his friends died on that same turn.  When Ruby told me that he went pale and said, "I'm just thankful to be alive.  Cars are replaceable.  People aren't".  He was sitting next to me in a booth and i rested my hand on his leg and squeezed.  He had a mark on his neck from where the seatbelt held him in the seat.  His neck was stiff and his body sore.  I nearly cried having him there next to me and seeing him struck with fear yet also a new view on life.  I reminded him that each day is a gift but that I thank God he's been spared and hugged him.

Then he wanted to shrug it off and be a kid again, at least for a moment, and stood next to the table with a toy where a piece is tied to a string, which is tied to a handle and he flips it around in all sorts of tricks.  It was incredible the things he could do with simply that and I couldn't help but smile, seeing the same Ruby we all know and love, being so amazing in the most unique ways.  Even Danny was laughing in amazement.

Back at my place we chatted while he pulled out an electric car he's been fixing to toy with is and let it charge.  He's quite the mechanical genius and I love seeing him fix things.  The two of them got to know each other better, chatting about their family life and siblings and having each other guess their ages.  When Ruby's father came up he spoke quickly to get past the topic so we moved on.  I told him I want to take him and Danny and Michael to a theme park Wednesday and he got really excited saying he's never been there before.  But he was going to the doctors tonight to get checked out and I told him if he's not feeling well enough to go then that's ok and I'll take him another time.  Eventually his brother showed up and he didn't look all that great either but we were all just thankful that they were alive.  By then Ruby's car had some charge in it so he turned it on and pulled out his jerry rigged remote that he hacked together and the car went flying.  He wanted to drift so he rode it around the sprinklers in water but it kept flipping over and he'd have to run in the water spray to get it and we all laughed at his adorable antics.  Before too long they had to leave.  So I gave both Ruby and his brother loving, very thankful hugs and they stepped out leaving Danny and I alone again.

After sleeping all day Danny was full of energy and didn't want to sit around so I pulled out the game Dance Dance Revolution, a game where you step around on a giant pad with arrows to the rhythm of a song.  He had never played before but wanted to try and he really wasn't that bad.  When my turn came though I kind of showed of my skills and he was blown away and became adorably embarrassed to try again.  So we instead watched a show we were meaning to watch.  Before we knew it the time was 1:30AM and I was feeling tired.  But without saying anything he grabbed the remote and pulled up a movie he mentioned he wanted me to see on Netflix.  It was a story about a guy who takes care of a disabled teen and takes him on a journey to explore the country.  It was a really sweet man/teen bonding story and I couldn't help but wallow in the similarities of our situation.   He lied on the couch with his head next to my lap so the whole movie I ran my hand through his hair and caressed his back . It was so amazing to be able to be so affectionate alone at night at our own place.  My boy and me watching a cute movie like that.  Once it ended I pulled him into my lap and wrapped my arms around him and said "You're a good guy Danny.  I love you buddy."

It was time for bed and he said he wanted to fall asleep watching something.  The living room would be too bright in the morning.  His room only had a computer screen from across the room to watch but my room had a large TV and I offered him a spot in my bed with me saying I'd put on anything he wanted.  After a wonderful night I was hoping he would join but instead of opted to sleep in his room with the smaller screen.  It was as if the whole night he appreciated the affection I showed him.  It was harmless and loving and made him feel special.  But when the opportunity came for us to take it a step further, for us to share a bed again, after a night of affection like that...I think he was silently drawing the line.  I wasn't so much disappointed as much as I respected his decision.  He made a conscious choice to avoid a potential difficult situation.  Though I wish he were, he's not gay.  And yet, he's seemingly able to recognize the love I have for him, even if he probably hasn't come to grips with the full extent of it yet.  He lets me love him, but only so far and for that I'm very thankful.  I know it's for the best.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Week with Danny: Day 3



This morning I woke Danny for church and not being morning people we slept until the last moment and ran out the door.  We stopped by a donut shop for some breakfast and a plain black coffee for him...the way he likes it I guess.  Church ended up being really great because a guy in his early twenties who comes around a couple times a year was there and told a heart wrenching story of his life and how his bad choices has taken everything from him and how he prays all the youth of the church walks a better path than him.  It was very sobering to hear and a reminder of just how blessed we are to have such loving families who are always there for us.

Afterwards we went to a family party for some distant relatives who are visiting for a little while.  Also there were Michael and River, two of my cousins a couple years younger than Danny.  We all had fun and chilled at my place afterwards.  We got some food, played some basket ball, watched some TV and pretty much had fun as boys.  At one point it was just me and Danny chilling on a bed while he poked at his iPod.  I ran my hand up and down his back gently stroking and asked to make sure I didn't make him uncomfortable when I did things like that and he responded with a matter of fact "no".  That really took a load off my chest because though I know I can't be his boyfriend I love that I can still show him affection.  Another moment we were in Michael's garage and I found a children's book called "If You Give a Mouse a Brownie", the sequel to the popular children's book of my era "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie".  So I sat next to Danny, wrapped my arm around him and read him the book.  It was a cute little storytime moment that was a little odd yet sweet.

After a fun day of hanging out I took Danny, Michael and his friend Nate to get frozen yogurt at a place that Danny's been wanting to try.  We pumped the tunes loud with the windows rolled down and it was like being in high school all over again.  After I dropped the boys off Danny and I made it back to our home to chill and play games until bed time.

We didn't do much of anything particularly special today but just being able to live with Danny and spend so much time with him is amazing.  He's still a pleasure to the eye and an absolute joy to be around.  Tomorrow should be much of the same and that sounds perfect to me.

On a terrible side note we tried all day to get Ruby to hang out with us but it didn't work out.  While writing this in bed he finally got back to me and said they got in a bad car crash and almost fell off a cliff.  He says they're all ok.  I wanted to call but he said now's not a good time and I told him at the if not tonight I want to hear from him tomorrow and help in any way I can.  I'm praying everything is as fine as he says it is and that their insurance will cover it soon.  I've been scared to death about his brother's speed racer driving.  I'm thank God that Ruby is safe.  I've no idea what I'd do if anything happened to his sweet soul.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Week with Danny: Day 2


Being Saturday our plan was to sleep in.  So this morning I got up around 10AM to wake Danny boy up for his gaming tryouts.  He was sleepy so I lied on top of him for a bit before falling to his side to cuddle him, basically spoon, for a minute.  He was so beautiful and warm, sleeping shirtless, with wild bed head.  He looked at his ipod and saw that they had cancelled the tryouts much to his disappointment and that he was still tired so I disappointingly made my way back to my own bed to sleep in until noon when I went back in to wake him.  We had to go help my friend Brett move but wanted to get some lunch first.  I took him to a favorite pizza place of mine and we sat and had a wonderful chat.  He asked me what it was like to have grown up being the oldest, himself being the youngest and we compared our experiences.  We talked about how he's a great listener yet likes to be the center of attention on occasion.  He told me more about his siblings, none of which I've actually met.  I only know his step brothers.

By the time we were done eating Brett wasn't quite ready for us yet so we ran some errands before heading over.  His new place is small, quaint and perfect for him.  We unloaded the two trucks full of stuff and I couldn't help but let myself enjoy the feeling of coming with my boyfriend to help a friend move.  It was easier to enjoy that crazy thought knowing that Brett knows fully well how I feel about Danny...even how I can never keep my eyes off of his incredible butt!  Of course we aren't boyfriends and never will be but it's hard not to imagine.

Well Danny and my cousin River, who is 15, have a sort of bromance thing going on.  They both think they're so much fun and they hadn't yet seen each other this year.  But tonight we changed that.  I brought him over to my cousin Michael's house (who is also 15) and his friends Nate and Jake were there as well as River.  We played some basketball and a game called spike ball where the losers sit in a pit in the middle while the others try to spike a volleyball at them.  It's such a boy game and oh so entertaining!  After tiring ourselves out we just chilled in the garage, laughed, told jokes and simply enjoyed the company.  I love being part of their group even though I'm over 10 years older than all of them.  It's so special.

Eventually my cousins were tired after a hard day at play so Danny and I went back to my place only to have Ruby message me and ask if he could come over and watch The Maze Runner with me.  It's one of his favorite movies and he's been wanting to show it to me since this past summer.  Danny and Ruby had never met each other but I talked about them to the other all the time.  And I really wanted to get my two favorite boys in the same room together.  So Ruby and his brother came over and once again he peeped his head in the door with the biggest, cutest grin and yelled my name "Cadeeeeeen!", waddled over to me with a joyous giggle and gave me an amazing hug.  He wanted some popcorn for the movie so I popped it for him while Danny helped himself to some ice cream and we sat down to t enjoy the movie.  While preparing Ruby was telling me about how his mom keeps talking about how she wants to move for financial reasons but he told her he won't let them.  And even if they do, he'll keep coming over to my place to see me no matter what it takes.  I must have had the biggest smile at that point and my heart swelled for him.

The movie started and Danny and I sat close, sharing a blanket while Ruby sat on the larger laying down part of the couch and kept starting to spoil the movie in his excitement and then catch himself and quickly say "oh I don't want to spoil it!" His brother chilled at the table and then eventually ended up next to Ruben.  It was a really entertaining movie and quite fun but the best part was watching Ruby get such kick out of sharing one of his favorite things with me....even if he couldn't contain himself and spoiled half of it.

By the time the movie ended it was past 1AM and we all had to get to bed.  So Ruby gave me another one of his hugs that's so full of him.  I hold them, then squeeze tighter, which seems to make him think "Oh I love you that much too!" and hold me even tighter.  His brother also hugged me and they said goodbye to Danny then headed off into the night leaving Danny and myself to discuss about how hilarious Ruby is in general.  They're just something about him that makes it impossible not to smile.  Then he told me how special it was that I have so many people that I'm so close with and love.  I replied saying that's why I wish he lived here in California all year.  His plan is to do community college in Canada and then live here for University and that sounds wonderful to me.

I got him ready for bed, wishing I could join yet somehow knowing I have the whole week with him makes it bearable for now.  But just being with him drives home the fact that he's simply not sexually interested in me.  He loves me very much, that's certain. But he doesn't swing my way and that's ok.  Still I'd give anything just to be able to have one day where I could hold and cuddle him.  At least now I can love him like an older brother.  I'm taking him everywhere with me.  I'm paying for him, buying him things, treating him like the prince he is.  I'm always putting my arm around him or hugging him from behind and as long as I can continue to show some form of affection I'll be just fine.  I love you Danny boy and always will!  We've got church and a family event tomorrow.  Let's see what it's got in store for us!

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Week with Danny: Day 1


This week has been such a slog knowing that I'd be spending this coming one with the boy who stole my heart.  One of my coworkers asked what I had planned for my week off.  I told her that I was having a friend stay with me and she replied "Oh wow.  They must be one special friend to take a whole week off for them."  I replied "Yep!" and I'd gladly take my whole life off for him!   His step brothers' dad and grandma is in town and he wanted me to come meet them at their Friday night weekly dinner hangout so I rushed over there after work.

They were both very nice and so friendly but who I really came for was Danny.  We chatted the whole dinner, pausing only when someone directed a question our way, until half of the people left, leaving Danny and I at our own table.  He asked me if I had anything on my bucket list and besides "Kissing you" and "Marrying you", neither of which I have the courage to share, I told him I'd love to go to Japan some day.  Shooting the question back his way he said he wanted to hike Mount Kilimanjaro!  While that certainly sounds thrilling I wasn't sure if that was quite my speed and he understood.  Then his dad came over entered the conversation saying "I know Danny wants to climb Mount Kilimanjaro.  And he told me he wants you to climb it with him!".  It really kind of came out of nowhere, as if his dad was revealing some extra love Danny held for me that he was too shy to share.  Feeling honored and loved I immediately told him that I'd love to do it as long as he did it with me and he got really excited.  I'd totally jump at the idea of doing something so unique and special with him, and knowing that out of everyone he wants to do it with me really made me so happy!

Well his step brothers went with their dad and grandma to the place they were staying and Danny's parents were chatting with friends but they told us we could go back to their house and hang out...so we did.  It was just the two of us in the large house alone and I had him show off his gaming skills to me, since he's working hard to become a pro gamer.  I'm sure that sounds ridiculous to most but these days it's really no less serious than the MLB or NHL.  Then we played some of our favorite game together until we weren't sure what to do next.  We lied around just relaxing for while until I suggested that we head out and go get some desert and he jumped at the idea!  We hopped in my car and headed for Oreo shakes...yum :)

By the time we got back the family was there and I chatted with the parents for a bit when they told me that although the plan was originally to pick Danny up Sunday night, things have changed and I could take him tonight if I wanted....and boy did i want to!  Danny was thrilled as well so he quickly packed his things and we headed out to my recently new home.  He put on a cool playlist of songs that we've shared with each other and we enjoyed the music along the way.

I set him up in the guest room, which we deemed "Danny's Room" on day one and at my computer to make sure he had everything he needed to perform well at his gaming tryouts tomorrow morning.  I admit I was slightly disappointed that he didn't ask to share my bed with me again but I know it's for the best and am actually quite thankful because last time, while I loved it, it was emotionally exhausting.  Unless I can cuddle him I don't think I can handle him in my bed again.  We've got a week so we'll see how that goes!  Wish me luck!

Friday, April 7, 2017

Ruby and Racecars



Just like last year my life recently has been fully consumed with Danny since he's in town.  I've also been moving into my new home and that's taken all the rest of my time.  I still go visit Danny a few nights a week and every single moment with him is an incredible one but it's completely changed from brotherly love to romantic love on my part.  And romantic love can be exhausting and stressful, especially when the other person has no idea or interest in reciprocating in that way.  The other night at his place I was very tired and found myself struggling not to just kiss him.  It didn't help that he was shirtless when I got there.  With his hair cut shorter now he's stunningly perfect and so irresistible that every moment is a struggle.  And when my body and mind are at a constant war, it tires me out.  I guess we'll soon see how I handle a full week with him living with me.

Anyway...being so occupied with Danny, my new place and work I haven't had much time for anyone else...including poor Ruby.  Granted, he even stated himself that he didn't feel like doing much the past few weeks.  A while ago he randomly messaged after nearly a month of near silence and asked to come over with his brother because they needed some financial advice.  It was great to see them both again and Ruby was so cute as always.  I think even he was surprised how much he missed me.  His smile as he walked up totally gave it away.  It was a short night but a sweet one and I got one of his powerful hugs as he left.

Tonight moments after I got home he randomly messaged me again asking what I was doing.  I told him I just sat down to play some games but asked if he wanted to get some frozen yogurt or something.  It was already past 10pm but he quickly responded saying he and his brother were on their way.  I was in the middle of an online game with another YF Tristan when Ruby popped his head into my room and yelled "Cadeeeeen!" all excitedly with the goofiest boyish yet charming smile.  I finished the round with the two brothers watching over my shoulder then said goodbye to Tristan.  They were in awe at my new place since it was much more put together than the last time they were there.  Ruby laid back on my couch and the two of them chatted up a storm about this and that, catching up, never leaving a breath for me, which was fine because I was far too busy smiling at his overwhelming unintentional charm until he interrupted with "So what are we doing Caden?".  He stood up and I put my arm around him and the three of us walked out the door over to his brother's car.  

I know nothing about cars but his brother has a fancy-ish speed demon, cars being his biggest hobby.  When they aren't at car shows their mouths are running five miles a minute talking about them.  It's my ignorance on the topic that makes Ruby sound so cute when he excitedly spouts off things far beyond me.  It really doesn't matter what he's saying as long it brings that boyish energy out of him.  He sat in the back seat where he found a blanket.  And though he was already wearing a jacket he adorably wrapped it around himself to get cozy.  We made it to the frozen yogurt place and chatted for a while about life and about how he wants to get his own car soon.  I was adamant that as exciting as that sounds, he should enjoy these years just being a kid and not work until he has to.  And his brother chipped in with his own experiences, sharing his shortcomings to make sure Ruben learns from them.  

On the way back there was a long stretch of open road completely empty, by this time being midnight.  So his brother stopped in the middle of the road for a beat and then punched it and we went flying.  He wanted to show off his car and introduce me to the joys of speed and man did it blow me away.  I was so suddenly shocked and terrified and nearly angry that he was risking his brother Ruben's life, who was only excitedly laughing.  It didn't last long but long enough for my heart to be pounding out of my chest.   I told them that it was absolutely incredible but I hope they realize how dangerous that was.  As we piled out Ruby gave me a hug to presumably calm me down.  He assured me they don't do that often and that they know its dangerous.  They just like to show off to friends every once and a while.  I told him I care for them too much to risk their lives, but I guess I was just being a nagging parent.  

They walked me to my place and we stepped inside long enough for Ruby to decide it was time to head home. They both had school tomorrow and he wanted to make it in early.  So they left but not without another warming hug from each of them.  Ruby turned as he walked out and said "I hope we didn't scar you Caden".  I laughed and told him I'll be fine.  We said goodnight and he kept mumbling to me as his feet trailed him away yet his eyes stayed with mine until he rounded the corner.  

It was such a fun and random night leaving me feeling refreshed.  I love Ruby so much and he is without a doubt the sweetest boy I've ever met.  The entire night was filled with little hugs and bits of affection and the way he looks at me or says my name is real love, something that's hard to find.  And the best part is that it's a genuine brotherly feeling, not clouded by my overwhelming romantic drive.  Danny still holds my heart no doubt, but these beats with Ruby are so sweet and pure that they're a breath of fresh air to refuel my soul from time to time.  He really is a special kid.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

The Boy in my Bed


Sometimes life has a funny way of giving you things you absolutely don't deserve.  Example...I just recently bought my own place.  While sure I've worked hard to earn it, I found it within hours of my house search, it was first place I ever put an offer on, and the entire process from "Maybe I should start looking" to "move in day" took under 40 days.  Likewise sometimes wonderful boy moments simply fall into my lap.

Danny's been back in town so I visit him a few times a week on my way home from work. This weekend though, being my move in weekend he, all on his own, convinced his parents that he'd be my amazing helper for the entire weekend and before I knew it he was in my car heading home with me for the next few days.

The first night was still at my parents house and we just hung out and played games.  I have the new Nintendo Switch and we each held one half of the controller to play a single player game together and had such a blast.  When it was time for bed he took the couch in my room and went shirtless.  I hadn't seen him shirtless since the previous year and damn does he still look amazing.  He's got a fairly normal body, nice form, lightly defined pectorals, a smooth tummy and down at the bottom he's got a few dreaming hairs beginning to form the path to the treasures below.  He's even got a little hair in his pits, which normally I'm not a fan of but on him, he looks perfectly like a young boy.  Though he's 17 now we repeatedly concluded over the course of the weekend that he could easily pass as 14. At each place we ate he we'd hilariously discuss whether or not he could get away with ordering off the kids menu.  While he slept I struggled to ignore his beauty and the shape of his wonderful butt pretending to hide under the blanket.  He has the most amazing butt I've ever seen on a boy and I'm never able to peel my eyes away for long.  Eventually I did fade to sleep though until the morning when I continued my watchful care of my boy.

The following day was actual moving day.  And true to his word he was an amazing helper!  I never once heard him complain and in fact he was always eager to help out in any way he could, even past his point of exhaustion.  One thing we realized I was still missing was a mattress for my new bed so we went shopping.  Tired, we lied down together on all of them to try each one out and I would roll right over him from one bed to the next.  Eventually he called my name and I saw him laying down on his favorite beckoning for me to join him.  So I did and together we agreed it was our favorite and we carried it out.  Back at my place we set it up, put on the sheets and comforter and he immediately climbed on in to try them out and I joined him, except I used his tummy as a pillow and we relaxed for a moment in my bed together, my head calmly rising with each of his breaths.

Eventually though we decided to head over to my friend Brett's house to go in his hot tub.  It wasn't quite ready when we got there so we instead played some video games while we waited for it to heat.  Danny sat on the couch to the side, with this legs underneath him but to his left.  I sat next to him and placed his feet on my lap, which left his butt firmly pressed on my side.  He giggled and said "Can you feel me clenching when I play?" and I laughed back at him "Yeah haha!".  With each moment of intensity in the game his butt would clench and I could feel his muscles flex on me.  Meanwhile I massaged his little feet that were sitting in my lap covered in his deceptively stylish skater boy socks.  I loved to be able to love him that way, to delicately massage each toe and the soles of his feet to both comfort him and provide a way to express my feelings.  Eventually though it was my turn and I reluctantly released his feet to play.  At least I got to be on his team.

When the hot tub was ready Brett and myself made our way in while Danny was getting changed.  If you've read much of my blog you might remember that Brett is my straight childhood friend who I hide no secrets from.  While we were alone he was quick to mention "Danny really seems to love you quite a bit. It's obvious to see that you're really special to him.  And the way you look at him...it's so love.  He brings a joy out in you that I only ever see when you're together." And those words really meant the world to me.  It felt amazing to have a friend validate my feelings for Danny and even though Danny's not gay and only loves me as a brother figure, that Brett could easily see the love he has for me in return.  When Danny arrived the suit I let him borrow was far too big for him so he wore his boxer briefs underneath just in case.  Once again it was great to see him shirtless and be able to appreciate his body in such a normal environment.  Once we got out I sat on the couch having already changed but Danny joined me shirtless, sitting on the arm of of the couch, his leg touching my arm and his chest right in my face.  I looked up at him hovering over me and he smiled and I playfully flicked his nipple while he tried to fight my hand off until I let him win and simply rested my head on his side.  I just love our playfulness and the affection he lets me show him.  If I can't have his romantic love, this is for sure the next best thing.

By the end of the day we had moved in most of my life, had set up the guest room for him and my own room for myself and got ready for bed.  Though one flaw in our preparation was that we failed to put up the curtains in the guest bedroom, who's window gave a clear view to anyone on the community sidewalk.  Plus I have an air conditioning unit in my room to keep it extra cool at night, which Danny really likes.  So I could not have planned it any better when he asked if he could sleep in my bed with me.   So many thoughts and feelings went through my mind at that moment.  I knew he isn't gay for me but could I handle having him in my bed with me?  Should I cuddle him while he's sleeping and pretend it was an accident?  Is this actually a good idea?  Turns out it doesn't matter because I can't say no to him.  So on my very first night living away from home in my new place, in my very new mattress I was lying next the boy I fell in love with years ago, the one I dream of every single night, only that night I didn't need to dream because that night he was there.

Danny decided against removing his shirt much to my disappointment but still so little of my night was actually spent sleeping.  Instead I watched him peacefully slumber and felt each breath wave through his body, though the bedding and onto myself.  At one point his feet clung to mine and I smiled at the touch.  But it took every fiber of my being to not cuddle up next to him, wrap my arms around my sweet boy and hold him so tight and so lovingly that he'd never want to live another moment without me.  My heart was raging, burning a physical pain from the emotions I was going through.  On one hand this moment was such an amazing blessing and so wonderfully peaceful yet on the other simply his presence in my bed was the worst tease and every muscle in my body was fighting a war against my overwhelming need to hold him.  I even woke up sweating in the middle of the night from the stress of it all, which I never do.  Eventually the sun rose, the alarm signaled time for church, my eyes weighed heavy but my heart full.  Danny adorably stirred, his hair a wild beast.  I decided to tame it while he lied there waking and ran my hands through his hair, lightly massaging his head and lovingly caressing the boy my heart hurt for.  My hand roamed down to his back, my fingertips dancing around his vertebrae playing them like a gentle instrument that warmed his soul.  For several minutes I inconspicuously touched my boy in a sweet loving way I spent a lifetime imagining of.  It wasn't sexual or wrong but sweet and caring and kind.  And in that moment I was the happiest I've been since I cuddled with Caleb so many years ago.  This was the dream I had been yearning for.  With only a touch of imagination I was sharing a bed with my the boy I love in our new home for the first time.  We were enjoying our lazy Sunday in bed by simply being together while I sweetly caressed him back to sleep.  We were in love and forever happy and life was perfect.  For a fleeting breath I was there.  I had all I've ever wanted, the perfect life with the perfect boy and it was absolutely incredible beyond anything I could comprehend because for a moment, for the first time in this troubled struggle I call life, I was fully, truly happy.

So that's what it feels like...