Sunday, March 18, 2018


Danny's back in town and this weekend he's staying with me at my place.  He just recently turned 18 but my feelings for him have never wavered.  As far as I know he's still completely unaware of it and considers me his "bestie".  And of course he's mine.  Today we slept in for a while and then just laid around and watched TV on my couch, his head nearly resting on my arm.  It really doesn't matter to me what we're doing as long as we're together.  There's such a joy in being with someone you love.  If only this weren't temporary.

For lunch he decided on pizza so I took him to one of my favorites.  While picking out our order he said "You like olives?! Eww!  Have you ever heard of the olive theory?"  I hadn't and told him so. He replied "Well if you hate olives and you find someone who loves them, or visa versa, then you're meant for each other."  I was kind of stunned or confused hearing this but quickly responded, "So does that mean you and I...?" He sort of chuckled and replied with a genuine "maybe...".  I know he's probably just being silly, and apparently the "theory" is a joke from the tv show How I Met Your Mother.  Still, it was so sweet, charming and sounds so perfect that it's really hard not to have some form of hope when he talks to me like that. During our continued conversation he was telling me how he really likes spending time with me, because he says I think and live differently than most and he loves trying to understand how my mind works.  So he's a wonderful listener.  But he's also a great conversationalist.  We spoke about some nuances of life and I find I'm able to communicate with him in a way I'm never able to with anyone else.  Even in this our relationship really shines in a way that none of my other friendships do.

We spent the rest of the day doing various things such as visiting a friend of ours at his work, having dinner at my grandma's and playing games with some friends at my place.  Even after everyone left the two of us stayed up late playing a cooperative video game together and laughing the night away. The whole time I still wanted so badly to cuddle or kiss him.  I'd give anything to be able to hold him and never let go.  I'm trying to focus on being the best friend possible, but it's tricky when I want to be the best boyfriend possible.  Still, I have him with me now.  Not in the way I want most, but in the way he's able to.   And I'm incredibly thankful.  Because these moments with him are some that I'll hold onto forever, long after he finds a beautiful wife and builds his own family.  At least I'll have these memories to look back on.

Monday, November 27, 2017

A Tale Worth Telling

Life almost never goes the way the way you expect.  Even less often does it go the way you want.  And in near impossible instances does life find a way to overwhelm even your most perfect imaginations and provide you with something you in no way deserve.  And yet...that's exactly where I find myself.  Each morning I wake up wondering if my luck has run out yet, and though it still might some day, in continues to surprise me to the point that I'm confident that this life God has blessed me with is not only the perfect life for a boylover, but the perfect life for me.

Here's how God works.  First you ignore him.  You don't want to believe that someone else is in control of your life.  You come head first with a problem and want to tackle it all on your own.  So he waits.  You try to cope with being a boylover.  You try to build an understanding of the world around you that accepts you for who you are.  You try to find boys to become friends with.  You try to fight back any unsavory desires.  And try as you might, though fragments of your dreams may come to light, you're always left wanting more, unsatisfied by what you've been able to scrounge together.  Little by little you fight for scraps of happiness and against the seemingly expanding gaps between each one, slowly being broken down while you watch those around you find the love and happiness that seems impossible for yourself.  Years of this prove a struggle too insurmountable, and you find yourself lost, trying to save a sinking ship with a small pail.  Only then, when it all seems lost, when you have no strength left and nowhere left to turn, only then do you humble yourself and beg anyone, even God for help.  And only then when you finally accept that you truly need Him, He reaches down his hand and guides you through.  After you've spent a lifetime exhausting every single option possible, proving them each fruitless one by one, after you've accepted all hope is lost does God reveal himself.  And with Him, He brings the most amazing solution, the only ever true answer to your prayers.  The one you never thought of.  The one you never knew was an option.  Only then, when it's impossible to mistake this miracle from God as anything but just that, does he put his plan into motion.

I never want to brag about what He's given me, only to share it, to glorify all he's given me, and all he can give you.  I have an amazing job that I can happily go into every morning knowing that I'm making the world a better place.  I have a loving family all around me, many within walking distance of my recently bought condo.  I'm part of a small but incredibly loving church who leans on me as much as I lean on them, who appreciate me as a strong light to their children.  I have an ever growing list of friends all over the world and neighborhood who know my deepest truths and love me even more for it.  I have plenty of young friends near and far whose parents encourage our beneficial friendships.  I even have three kids of my own.  Or at least it feels that way.

These boys are the brightest joy in my life.  They have given me a purpose and a love I never thought possible.  They have no father, an overworked mother,a hole in their hearts, and smiles warm enough to melt my world.  The middle one stays with me during the week so I can help him with school and get him there on time.  The little one stays with me on weekends so we can go to church and lunch and enjoy not-exactly-father/not-exactly-son bonding time.  The oldest visits often after work to relax and enjoy the company.  Almost overnight I've become a part-time father.  I've got the parental duties of feeding them, making sure they stay clean, helping with homework, putting them to bed and driving them to and from everywhere they need to go.  It is exhausting, all consuming and everything I always wanted.

Fueled by smiles, hugs and love I can never get enough.  It's incredible when, half in jest, my family and friends call them my kids, or refer to me as dad.  I went to the oldest one's high school graduation and help him buy a car.  I got to take the little one out trick-or-treating in our combo monkey costumes.  We cuddle when he's cold, tired, or anytime he feels like it.  When he stays over he's afraid of sleeping alone and makes sure to turn on the rubber ducky nightlight before snuggling up next to me in my bed, .  The middle one and I have a unique best-friend relationship built on respect and trust.  He's my roommate during the week and no matter what we're doing, just being together is enough to keep us happy.  He's not afraid to share stories about the girl he likes and I proudly dropped him off at his first dance.  He continues to dig deep in his past, sharing tales both of happiness but often of tragedy.  Times when his cousins got him drunk when he was only ten.  Or when his father became physically abusive and hit him when he was only seven.  Stories like these hurt my core, make my cry, but also love him even more for how strong he's become even after all he's been through.  When he fractured his foot I got to take him to the ER and wait with his little brother while he got checked out.  Recently we celebrated his birthday and though he's a teenager, he wanted to spend the entire day with me, just the two of us.  We slept in, he in his own room at my place, we ate at some of his favorite restaurants and went to the movies ending our day with a loving hug.

While these boys may not be my own blood, or my own children legally, they are at heart.  I love them each with all I have to give and all I do is for them.  This new found purpose is the main reason I haven't posted in some time.  I've much less free time or privacy these days.  But also, I created this blog as a way to share my secret feelings and struggles instead of bottling it inside.  But now, not only do I have friends to confide in, I have children to love in a way I never knew was possible.  Years ago when I used to cuddle with my first love Caleb my body would respond sexually, in a way I was ashamed of and was unsure how to cope with.  But now, by the grace of God, that's never a problem.  I'm able to hug and love my boys purely and without any internal or sexual struggle.  Everything has simply fallen into place and for that I'm eternally grateful.

This life that God's given me is a beautiful miracle better than I ever could have imagined.  It's a story I wish I could share with everyone and perhaps one day I can.  But until then I'm compelled to share it with all my boylover friends out there and to all who read this.  There is a hope for us.  There is a miracle out there waiting for you first to humble yourself.  It may take some time, and it probably won't look exactly like mine, but God has crafted one especially for you.  I've always wanted to be a father but never thought I'd have kids.  I have no interest in women or men for that matter.  I work too many hours to be a proper single parent, nor do I currently have the money to adopt.  And yet the Lord found the missing pieces to my puzzle that I never knew existed. Now, not only do I have one child, but three wonderful boys! It really is a story too bold for fairy tales yet here I am, a living contradiction to that farce.  So whether you believe or not, I want to openly thank God for all that he's given me.  It's a blessing I don't deserve, and one I'd never want to fail to share.  Because he's given me a joy I never thought was possible.  But I'm here to promise is.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Father's Day

Today was Father's Day...a day to love and be thankful for the man who raised you and has taken care of you for so much of your life.  And for the fishing trips he's taken you to.  To the early morning's he took you to your soccer games.  For the playful wrestling and terrible dad jokes.  And for all the other wonderful memories you've enjoyed together.  But for some it's more of a sore reminder of what they have missed out on.  In the case of Ruby, he hasn't seen or heard from his dad in over eight years.  He's grown spiteful and wouldn't want to see him even if he showed up.  In the case of my cousin Michael, his dad is an alcoholic who, though he loves his kids, has created a terrible rift in their lives, pushing them further away to a point of anger.  For both it's a tragic truth that brings the two friends even closer together.  And for both, I want to be there when their fathers are not.

Tonight we had a Father's Day event at my grandma's house.  And since Ruby is practically part of our family I wanted to make sure he knew he was invited.  So I offered to pick him up and he was quick to accept.  When I showed up he looked adorable wearing a long grey washed out tie-die looking shirt and dark camo joggers.  His hair was a little wild and he wore the brightest shy smile, as he often does when I show up.  He had his bike so we put it in the car and headed to grandma's.  I asked how his day was but he said he was feeling down so he did nothing but lie around all day sleeping and watching TV.  I didn't want to dig but I assumed it was because of his Father's Day situation.  He told me he finally got up to get a Red Bull to get himself going.  I told him I was glad he joined us!

Michael was already at my grandma's so they hit it off being best friends chatting and playing on their phones.  After dinner we played a card game.  Ruby isn't really one to play games.  He says it's embarrassing to not understand how the game works, which only makes me sad for him knowing he lacks confidence in his ability to learn to things.  Whether he has a learning disability or not...lack of confidence is certainly one.  But I told him he could play on my team and he excitedly agreed to be my "assistant", which really only meant he sat next to me and played around on his phone.  He kept finding things that we could buy for our lakehouse on a sort of craigslist type app.  He'd keep leaning into me to show me what he found and I loved it.

When the night was over I took him back to his home and dropped him off.  We pulled his bike out of my car and we stood there chatting for a bit.  It seemed as if he didn't want to let me go and I wish I could have stayed there with him all night just talking.  Eventually though he said "Well..." then gave me a firm loving hugs.  His hugs are amazing.  He fits me so well and he holds on so tight and loving that he brings such a comfort to my soul.  As he pulled away I said "Be safe Ruby."  He said, "Ok Caden!  I'll see you when I see you...maybe tomorrow!" And as he walked toward his house I responded "That would be nice buddy."  Although I'm not Ruby's dad, I'm probably the best he's got right now and I want to do all I can to provide him with the most secure and loving life I possibly can.  He means so much to me and even though I see him all the time, I can hardly wait until the next time.  I'd say it was a fine Father's Day :)

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Peace and Purpose

Life honestly could not be better lately.  There was a time where I'd meticulously archive each and every boy moment I had because they were less frequent.  But these days I finally feel as if I've found my purpose and the joy in my life, at least for the time being.  If you've ever read my blog you'll know that I'm completely in love with my YF Danny.  But that love comes at a heavy emotional cost.  There's nothing I'd rather do than be by his side enjoying his company but it'a always a double edged sword.  It can be painful being so close to the person I love but having to keep my feelings a secret, and hearing him speak of girls in a way I never could.  Lying on the same bed with him but having to keep my distance.  Being able to put my arm around him on the couch but never able to kiss him.  It's a constant torture worth living but it takes its toll.  Well last month his family left to head back home to Canada.  It was a bittersweet moment to be sure because I hate saying goodbye but of course we still continue to skype and play games all the time.  And honestly a break from all that emotional stress is quite a relief.  It's unhealthy to constantly tempt myself with someone I can't have.  Still I'm incredibly thankful for his friendship and love him more than he'll ever know!

Through all of this I've been very confused.  There's a girl at work named Carrie who I've somehow developed a sort of crush on.  It makes no sense to me and she's really the only girl I've had any sort of feelings for as long as I can remember.  She does though have Danny's smile, and our friendship is sort of similar in that it's full of sarcasm and witty banter that I love.  So she might just be a version of Danny that I have a more realistic chance with.  But instead of trying to figure it out I've just decided that I like who I like.  Boys are still absolutely my favorite.  The thought of sex with a woman is terrifying and not at all something I want to do.  But a loving relationship is so much more than sex.  So why not just love everyone I'm drawn to?  To live life without labels or constraints and go where my heart takes me.  On the flip side I've kind of decided that romantics aren't for me.  If they happen then great but allowing myself to dwell on a romantic relationship beyond my reach only brings pain.  Instead I want to be content with what I have and take advantage of opportunities that come my way.  And so far I've found that being content is where true happiness is.

Though Danny is a thousand plus miles away Ruby is right here by my side.  He's so sweet and his struggle with school has reached a hiatus.  He never did end up staying with me but I continued to help push him through the school year best that I could.  We've had plenty of talks about it but after not having the necessary support for so many years he's sadly convinced himself that it all must rest on his shoulders instead of allowing others to help.  Thankfully though he's in a program where he was somehow unable to fail and he graduated just fine.  I think he has some minor learning disability, but that only furthers my desire to help him out.  Well this past week was his 8th grade promotion as well as his older brother Lizandro's high school graduation.  I still had yet to meet their mom after a year of getting so close to them but there was no way she would miss her son's graduation event.  So  met with Ruby beforehand and we drove to the event.  Sometimes life has a funny way connecting the dots.  Ruby has seen my first love and YF Caleb around and thinks he's really cool since he's such an active surfer/skater type.  Well at his school he saw a kid who looked just liked Caleb, asked him about it and found out it's Caleb's little brother Clayton.  And since then they've been friends and hang out when they can.  And at the graduation ceremony Caleb's sister was graduation high school so they were there.  So for the event I ended up sitting with Ruby's family, including his sweet mom who hardly speaks any English, my cousin and Ruby's best friend Michael, Caleb and Clayton.  It was kind of amazing having so many of my loved YFs in the same spot with me.  And on top of that Ruben's adorable little brother Angel was excited to see me and made sure he got a spot right next to me.  He recently got a haircut and now has short spiky, my absolute favorite.  He always tries to get me to chase him until I pick him up and swing him around, or sit him on my shoulders.  He's so cute!  After the graduation ceremony I went to dinner with Michael and Ruby's family.  I know I'm no replacement but I really felt like I was their dad, sitting at the table with my wife and four boys.  And their mom looked kindly over at me and she finally saw first hand how much I care for her kids.

The following day was Ruben's 8th grade promotion ceremony but I was very disappointed because there was no ticket for me.  He only got four and they went to his two brothers, mom and aunt.  When he tried to get more from the school they said they didn't have any.  I wanted to go so badly and kept trying to find one but then at 8pm the night before their aunt found she was unable to make it so I suddenly had a ticket.  I was so excited!  I told Ruben about it and and he casually said "cool" but didn't seem nearly as excited as myself.  I was concerned that somehow he was shy or embarrassed but that wasn't going to stop me from going. We just about to leave for the dinner I just mentioned and he was sitting in the back of my car while his mom and brother were in their truck when I mentioned "I never got that ticket from your brother!".  Then before saying anything he excitedly dashed out of my car and ran to get it from him.  So I was happy to see that.

At the ceremony I once again sat with his mom and two brothers. feeling like their father figure.  I felt so proud seeing him walk up there with all the other students and receive his certificate.  I normally find 8th grade promotion a silly event but I'm thankful for every little boost in confidence he can get.  And being the great friend he is Michael showed up near the end, having rushed over after his last day of school.  Outside once the event was over we found Ruby in the sea of graduated 8th graders and I gave him the biggest hug ever, telling him how proud I was of him.  The smile on his face was beaming, showing such a pure bright innocent joy.  He thanked me for coming and we got pictures together and I took some of him and Michael.  Unfortunatly I had to leave for work and couldn't go out for ice cream with them.  Angel got sad but held his arms out wide to receive his goodbye hug.  I swooped him up, held him tight and spun him around while he giggled.  Then I hugged Ruby, Lizandro and even their mom goodbye. Michael too of course.

I'm so thankful with the path God's currently placed me on.  I'm not Ruben's dad.  I know that.  But I'm in a position where I can be an important positive influence in his life, and the lives of his brothers.  This is, I believe, where being a boylover truly shines.  I'm able to love, nurture and care for these wonderful young men.  On top of that Michael messaged me the other day telling me how much he loves me and is so thankful for all I've done for him.  I got a similar sentiment from my cousin River the other night.  And I don't say this to brag or speak highly of myself but to thank God for giving me positive outlets and people to love.  I'm so happy with the life I'm living right now.  It's not the normal life of searching for a girlfriend, then wife, then marriage and kids.  Who knows...that might be in my future but I have plenty to look forward to right here, right now.  The boys will grow up and not need me as much anymore I'm sure, but that's a worry for another day.  Until then I will always be here right bight their side to help support then in any way they need.  I can never replace what their father took from them, but I want to do my best to fill the void and show them a fatherly love long lost.  They deserve it.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Acting Father

The difference between a boylover and a pedophile is that we love the boy, not just the body.  There's so much more to a person than their looks.  In fact that's only the beginning, the shell, the gateway, the introduction.  It's something to kick start the connection but then very quickly you realize that the person is an explosion of personality, thoughts, mannerisms, subtle nuances and quirks.  They're a complex combination of millions of minute intricacies that make up that very special person.  Being able to see and appreciate all of those details is what makes up love.

With Ruben I see all of those things.  He's a complicated young soul with a lifetime of disappointments and a fantastical and inflated outlook on the world that can only fall short in reality.  He's a handy boy, very skilled with his hands and electronics.  He rides his bike with such effortless skill and all those around him help but to smile before a single word comes out of his mouth.  He's an absolute joy to be around but probably because that's how he chooses to see the world.  At some point he subconsciously decided to view life with a think pair of rose colored glasses in order to disguise the inevitable disappointment of his surrounding life.  His dad left when he was eight.  His mom works too hard to support the family that she's not around enough.  His older brother, still in high school, works nearly full time to help support them.  Ruben is often stuck at home watching his little brother instead of out enjoying his childhood.  His neighborhood is kind and loving but a bit run down.  He doesn't get the support he needs in his personal life because those who care for him are too busy giving him a place to sleep.  So he's had no choice to become street smart and to an extent take care of himself. It's up to him to get to school, but without anyone pushing him he's lost motivation and continues to ditch.  His grades have plummeted and he seems somewhat lost.

I spend time with him whenever I can, which is pretty much whenever he actually responds.  So often he's non-responsive.  But he appreciates the attention and care he gets from me.  I've written about him before and some of our other special moments.  He's such a sweet kid and I really want the best for him.  A while back he gave me access to his grades and it broke my heart.  I really tried to reach out and help him but having someone actually try to suddenly enforce rules on him didn't go well.  I didn't hear from him for several weeks.  I know it wasn't just that though....there's always something else mysterious going on in his life but he and his family keep secrets.  I still don't even know his address.  I drop him off in the middle of an apartment complex and he scampers off.  I've yet to even meet his mom, though I take him out to theme parks and our lakehouse and such.  I feel honored that she trusts me but she probably doesn't have much of a choice since Ruby does what he wants.  I've gotten close with his older brother as well though and usually communicate through him, since he's Ruben's acting father, though only 19 himself.  So I tried to help Ruben with school.  I even told his brother it had to be a team effort but he told me he was on top of it.  He wasn't

With only a month left of school Ruby is still skipping a third of school.  He tells me he doesn't see the point since he's not going to use most of the education in his life anyway.  I try to assure him it's about more than that.  It's about learning responsibility and adding a much needed structure to his life.  I also tell him that he needs to be a good influence for his little brother Angel.  He seems to take all of these considerations to heart but then will skip school the following day.  I felt helpless.  But then Lizandro, his older brother pulled me aside.  He said he and his mom needed help.  They fear he won't graduate school this year and don't know what to do.  Now finally, perhaps too late, they're willing to let me help Ruben with his school.

I tell Lizandro I can tutor him and help him finish his school work.  I can pick him up in the morning and make sure he gets to school.  But of course that's still contingent on Ruby waking up and meeting me at the pick-up spot, since they still seem reluctant to show me which apartment is theirs, let alone letting me inside.  Then I offered to let Ruby stay with me on weeknights.  I'd help him with his school work and then wake him up and get him to school on time on my way to work each morning.  He then had a conversation with his mom and Ruby.  Their mom liked the idea but Ruby seemed reluctant saying "ok but not every day".  Still though, I've yet to even speak to or meet their mom and she's willing to let me practically adopt her 14 yr old son for a month.  She must be incredibly desperate.  But it's very strange.  I really want to understand all this more but since we're short on time I need to make sure Ruby can finish out this year first.  Still, in order to avoid any legal issues I tell Lizandro that I need to at least meet with the three of him in person to discuss the situation.  He tells me that will happen tomorrow night so I hope so.

Meanwhile I've been trying to figure out exactly what Ruben needs to do to finish out the school year.  Since I'm not his legal guardian the school won't give me any information so I need Lizandro to go to the school and include me as an emergency contact, which would then grant me the access I need.  I wish Ruben's family could manage all this for him but I don't have time to solve that problem.  He comes first.  I love him so much as a little brother.  Since the week I spent with him on our family vacation last year, and the moment he grabbed my arm begging me not to leave him to go to a special dinner I knew that I would do anything to take care of and protect little Ruby.  He's got such a sweet heart and joyful innocence that I fear for his future.  He's got a rough path ahead of him but I hope that I can be there by his side, guiding him along the way.  It seems like God has placed me in his life for a reason and given me the opportunity to make a difference in his life.  I pray that it all works out and that together we can help Ruben graduate the 8th grade.  Time will tell but I love him so much.  Perhaps too much if his recent comment is any indication.  "Don't hug me too hard Caden! Or you'll break my bones hehe just kidding."

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Week with Danny: Day 5

Danny and I are alike in many ways, one of which being that we are absolutely not morning people.  We like to stay up late into the night and sleep in even later.  This morning I woke at 11AM but stayed in my room until 1PM just relaxing and decompressing.  I didn't hear anything from his room and I didn't want to bother him.  When I finally got up though he was playing video games on the computer so I watched him for some time, just enjoying the happiness on his sweet face.  After a little while we went to lunch at one of my favorite Mexican places and chatted mainly about video games, another one of our very common interests.  Since we didn't have plans until 8PM we chilled back at my place afterwards watching youtube and hanging out until we went over to Micahel's to play basketball with him and his friend Nate.  Danny was on the opposing team but I had to defend against him.  I won ;)

We only had time for one game though before we had to leave to go to Brett's parents house to play a game that we made up over ten years ago that is kind of like hockey but with a soft ball and crawling round hitting it with our hands into the other goal.  We had so much fun and I played goal while Danny played offense which left me with a glorious view of his rump as he crawled around.  Between rounds we played this sadistic game where we sit across the room and lob the balls at each other's nuts.  I always win at that game haha.  He really is so much like me in that he's quiet but everyone likes him and he is always having a great time observing and simply being a part of the party.

Since we were crawling around he had to borrow some pants of mine so as not to tear up his knees.  Thankfully I had an older smaller pair though he needed a belt to hold them up.  When we made it back home he took off the belt, undid the top button and fell down on the bed exhausted.  Then he turned his head to me and whined "Help me".  He looked so darn cute with his pants unbuttoned like that laying there asking for me.  I still didn't want to be too quick to jump at this dream and pretended to act annoyed asking "Really....".  He simply giggled so I accepted his offer and dashed over to him.  I began pulling at the bottom of his jeans and he playfully fought back, angling his feet so it was difficult to succeed but had he really wanted me to stop he easily could have held his pants at the waist.  It was fun and not long enough but eventually I pulled them all the way off.  By this point he had fallen on the ground and was wearing a tshirt I bought for him for his birthday, socks and bright green stripped boxer briefs that clung tightly to his breathtaking form.  I couldn't help but stare at his beauty and soak in the sight he allowed me to reveal before he crawled to his pajama bottoms and slipped them on.  It was such a sudden and thrilling moment, one that I won't soon forget.  Of course that put me in a mindset where I was waiting for more of that the rest of the night.

We ended the night by watching some tv though this time he lied the other direction.  I kept waiting for him to put his feet in my lap but he never did though at the end he sat in a position which exposed a decent sliver of his creamy tummy for me to see.  I make enough comments when he does that for him to know I always notice it.  Not to mention how I usually poke his bare skin.  I'm really glad we're so close though I've really no idea if he's intentionally teasing me or just being goofy and brotherly.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm taking Danny and Ruby to a theme park, just the three of us.  They both sound really excited, Ruby especially.  I can't wait to enjoy a fun day with my two favorite boys!  Can life get any better than this?

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Week with Danny: Day 4

Sometimes we all need a lazy day.  Today was that least for Danny.  My dad arrived at my place at 9:30AM to help me setup my surround sound system.  It's a complex setup with wired going all over the attic and such and he's much more a handyman than myself. Danny boy eventually woke around noon and I took him and Michael and Nate to go get lunch at a local burger place.  It's really fun to hang out with them as if I were back in high school.  And though Danny is a couple years older than them, he's still very much a kid and looks their age so we all get along really well together.

After lunch we drove around buying things that we needed to finish my speaker setup back at home.  We got cords and connectors and even got him some more fans for our computers, since his only has two lousy ones.  It was a long day of setting everything up.  My dad and I worked hard while Danny chilled in the hammock playing games and enjoying his spring break...not that we had anything else for him to do.  Eventually at 5:30PM we finished and my dad left us to ourselves.

Finally alone we decided to play some computer games for a while and then Ruby finally hit me up and wanted to hang out so we left to pick him up.  Right away I knew he wasn't doing great.  He was sniffling and coughing and not walking with his usual floppy boyish charm.  Instead he sort of stiffly shuffled around.  I gave him a hug, holding on and he set his head in the nape of my neck as we held each other for a while.  I told him I'm so thankful he's ok and that I don't know what I'd ever do if something happened to him.  He had a very calm, dazed demeanor like I've never seen on him before which made my heart hurt. So we went to get some dinner while he shared of the terrors of the night previous.

Ruby and his brother had gone driving in the mountains in their car, with their friend driving in his car ahead of them.  Apparently on a sharp turn another vehicle was coming up the other direction but had no lights on at night.  Their friend promptly swerved out of the way to miss the car but Ruben's brother slammed the breaks and hit the corner of their friend's car which launched him through a short brick wall protecting them from the edge of the cliff.  He showed me pictures and they rested at a steep angle, the car barely holding onto rocks by the back tires.  They were near the top of the mountain and if the grip on those back tired failed they would have tumbled over a thousand feet down the side.  Thankfully they climbed out and rode in their friend's car to the nearest gas station for help and met a guy who said only a couple weeks prior two of his friends died on that same turn.  When Ruby told me that he went pale and said, "I'm just thankful to be alive.  Cars are replaceable.  People aren't".  He was sitting next to me in a booth and i rested my hand on his leg and squeezed.  He had a mark on his neck from where the seatbelt held him in the seat.  His neck was stiff and his body sore.  I nearly cried having him there next to me and seeing him struck with fear yet also a new view on life.  I reminded him that each day is a gift but that I thank God he's been spared and hugged him.

Then he wanted to shrug it off and be a kid again, at least for a moment, and stood next to the table with a toy where a piece is tied to a string, which is tied to a handle and he flips it around in all sorts of tricks.  It was incredible the things he could do with simply that and I couldn't help but smile, seeing the same Ruby we all know and love, being so amazing in the most unique ways.  Even Danny was laughing in amazement.

Back at my place we chatted while he pulled out an electric car he's been fixing to toy with is and let it charge.  He's quite the mechanical genius and I love seeing him fix things.  The two of them got to know each other better, chatting about their family life and siblings and having each other guess their ages.  When Ruby's father came up he spoke quickly to get past the topic so we moved on.  I told him I want to take him and Danny and Michael to a theme park Wednesday and he got really excited saying he's never been there before.  But he was going to the doctors tonight to get checked out and I told him if he's not feeling well enough to go then that's ok and I'll take him another time.  Eventually his brother showed up and he didn't look all that great either but we were all just thankful that they were alive.  By then Ruby's car had some charge in it so he turned it on and pulled out his jerry rigged remote that he hacked together and the car went flying.  He wanted to drift so he rode it around the sprinklers in water but it kept flipping over and he'd have to run in the water spray to get it and we all laughed at his adorable antics.  Before too long they had to leave.  So I gave both Ruby and his brother loving, very thankful hugs and they stepped out leaving Danny and I alone again.

After sleeping all day Danny was full of energy and didn't want to sit around so I pulled out the game Dance Dance Revolution, a game where you step around on a giant pad with arrows to the rhythm of a song.  He had never played before but wanted to try and he really wasn't that bad.  When my turn came though I kind of showed of my skills and he was blown away and became adorably embarrassed to try again.  So we instead watched a show we were meaning to watch.  Before we knew it the time was 1:30AM and I was feeling tired.  But without saying anything he grabbed the remote and pulled up a movie he mentioned he wanted me to see on Netflix.  It was a story about a guy who takes care of a disabled teen and takes him on a journey to explore the country.  It was a really sweet man/teen bonding story and I couldn't help but wallow in the similarities of our situation.   He lied on the couch with his head next to my lap so the whole movie I ran my hand through his hair and caressed his back . It was so amazing to be able to be so affectionate alone at night at our own place.  My boy and me watching a cute movie like that.  Once it ended I pulled him into my lap and wrapped my arms around him and said "You're a good guy Danny.  I love you buddy."

It was time for bed and he said he wanted to fall asleep watching something.  The living room would be too bright in the morning.  His room only had a computer screen from across the room to watch but my room had a large TV and I offered him a spot in my bed with me saying I'd put on anything he wanted.  After a wonderful night I was hoping he would join but instead of opted to sleep in his room with the smaller screen.  It was as if the whole night he appreciated the affection I showed him.  It was harmless and loving and made him feel special.  But when the opportunity came for us to take it a step further, for us to share a bed again, after a night of affection like that...I think he was silently drawing the line.  I wasn't so much disappointed as much as I respected his decision.  He made a conscious choice to avoid a potential difficult situation.  Though I wish he were, he's not gay.  And yet, he's seemingly able to recognize the love I have for him, even if he probably hasn't come to grips with the full extent of it yet.  He lets me love him, but only so far and for that I'm very thankful.  I know it's for the best.